It’s hard not to strike back
At those that hurt us,
But turn your back
On that way of living.
Be an agent of wholeness
In this broken world.
Chase that kind of life
With every ounce of energy you can muster.
(Everyday Psalms, Psalm 34, page 74)
My first crush was Anne, the girl down the street. I’d sit by the window, hoping she’d pass by. But when she and two other friends ambushed me with snowballs, I felt betrayed and bitter (even though the chuck of icicle I threw wildly in response gave her a black eye). I didn’t talk with her for six months, at the end of which she approached me and apologized. Later, she said she had no idea what she was apologizing for. She just needed us to be friends again.
There’s no accounting for hurt feelings. A few harmless and humorous snowballs from Anne’s perspective connected with my fragile ego in a way that caused far more damage than a black eye. Or at least I, in my insecurity, felt like it had. And I fed my hurt feelings until they grew so large they completely eclipsed the minor event that had caused them.
The care and feeding of grudges is contrary to everything the Scriptures lead us to believe about God and what he’s doing in the world. Repair and reconciliation lead to shalom, the Hebrew notion of peace, wholeness, unity, and well-being. Our hurt feelings emphasize what’s broken in our relationships and the world around us and nursing them only makes the rifts deeper and wider.
Forgiveness, of course, is God’s ready response to us when we come to him with remorse and it is to be our ready response as we follow the way of Jesus.
As with everything else, prayer is what gets us there. As we confess our own sins and receive forgiveness from God, we are preparing ourselves to do the same for others. As we pray our anger toward others for what they have done to us or to others we care for, we are handing over that anger to God, refusing to retain it. At least, that’s how it’s supposed to work.
When his disciples asked him to teach them how to pray, Jesus tied the forgiveness we receive from God to the forgiveness we offer to others: “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” In fact, that forgiveness part of the prayer is the only part Jesus gives commentary on afterward: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:14-15). Jesus takes this stuff seriously. If you have any further questions about that, just listen to what Jesus says in the parable about the unforgiving servant (Matt. 18:21-35). Yep, Jesus takes this with ultimate seriousness.
That doesn’t make it easier for us though, does it? The more we’ve cultivated our sensitivities and the more we gathered our grudges, the harder it is for us to stop sulking and start reconciling. Prayer helps.
I don’t like to think of myself as having enemies, but Jesus teaches us to pray for our enemies, so I guess I’ve got some. The way I determine who they are is by thinking about who I’d prefer to turn my back to instead of embracing. If I am back to back with someone in anger or hurt feelings, praying for that person causes me to turn ever so slightly toward him or her. If I keep at it, eventually changing my prayers from hateful outbursts to blessings, I will find myself — degree by degree — ending up face-to-face and ready to reconcile.
Prayer: Ah God. My feelings get hurt and I just want to lash out, dealing black eyes to my ambushers. Holy Spirit, strengthen me to give up my hurts and to move toward peace, toward shalom. Help me be so secure in my relationship with you that I can handle the cuts and bruises I receive from the words and deeds of others. Forgive my debts as I forgive my debtors. In Jesus. Amen.
For further reading: The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu. HarperOne, 2014.