I feel my mortality.
Perhaps it’s my job. I see lots of death. There’s really no getting around it as a hospital chaplain.
Perhaps it’s my age. Hitting my 50s has coincided with the death of both my parents and my father-in-law. And my friend Greg.
Perhaps it’s my health. I’m not in bad shape by any means and I don’t have any diagnoses of anything at all. But I can feel the aches and pains more keenly and frequently than before.
Perhaps it’s a true prescient knowledge.
Mostly I think it’s because I feel complete.
There are two ways to measure a life. It can be measured in numbers: Have I lived a long time? It can be measured by completeness: Is there a sense of completion to my life? Have I done what I needed to do? Have I become the person I needed to become?
I love my people deeply. My family. My friends. Those I work with and those I minister to. I think they all know my love and don’t question its authenticity. Do I want to leave them? Not at all. I want as much time with them as I can get. And I hope to see and hold and play with grandchildren someday. But I am happy to have loved as I have loved.
I have done enough. Is there more to do? There’s no question that I’d love to do more and am quite capable of doing more. Whether that’s writing or teaching or providing spiritual care, I would be glad to more, but I would not feel cut short if I died today.
When measuring for longevity, my 54 years don’t add up to as many as most would think a full life would be made up of. But if it comes to completeness — which is a superior measurement by far — I am happy to have lived that life I’ve lived.
St. Paul put it this way in Philippians 1:21-24 —
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.
Martin Luther King, Jr., put it well so soon before his was murdered: “Like anybody, I would like to live a long life — longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will.”
Paul and Martin both chose lives of completeness of lives of longevity. However long I live, I concur.